Dear Momma,

I know you didn't want to talk about the past today. When I asked you about Paul and Sidney, you tried to change the subject, but I wouldn't let you. I couldn't accept your silence this time. Sidney needs explanations for memories that are more questions than anything else.

I'm sorry that this hurts you. I've tried my whole life to minimize hurt for you. I stood up to daddy for you and I've held my tongue for you; but this time Sidney needs my help more than you need my protection.

I was so small, I only remember certain things. I know you said you don't remember Paul, but I wonder. He was the only little boy other than Jim we ever played with when we were in gradeschool.

Paul had brown hair and he was chubby and awkward. He lived with his grandma in the trailer park across the street from our neighborhood.

I just feel like you must remember. Once, his grandma taught Sidney how to macramé. She made a plant hanger out of hemp and you used it for many years, even after I moved away for good. Hmm, maybe he only stayed with his grandma in the summertime since I can only picture him in shorts.

The big boys, the teenagers, in the neighborhood teased Sidney and Paul. I remember that really well.

Oh, I don't know why it seems important. I can't put my finger on it. I guess Paul is just one more question in a whole series of questions that we have from our childhood. Like the packages that arrived periodically, like the story of how you met daddy, like the friend who kept Sidney while you were in the hospital having me—things you and daddy whispered about after I was settled into bed, but still awake.

Please, let's begin a new chapter--heck a whole new chapter in a whole new book--Daddy is dead and we are still alive. You have moved on, you have Thomas now so don't be afraid of the past. Sidney is really struggling, more than I think we know. Sometimes, its the things we don't talk about are the things that hurt us the most.

We'll talk soon. Please think about it, see if you remember something, anything.

I love you.

Love

Jamie